I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
