uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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