Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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