Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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