she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
