I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
