took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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