I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
