Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
