The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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