Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
