I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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