a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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