hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
