Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
