On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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