i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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