End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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