She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
