his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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