why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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