Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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