is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
