i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
