Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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