you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
