I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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