i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
