If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
