I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
