I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
