I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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