mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
