$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
