How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
