If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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