You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
