Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Send help, water and tortillas.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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