Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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