I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
