oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
