u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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