Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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