hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think my fart just growled at me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sext me about skeletons
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
