the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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