i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
