I am midnight drunk by noon
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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