why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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