So drunk, too bad you don't want this
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
