I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
